Writer's Workshop: Back to School & Speechless

1st Day of School.

I can't believe the day has come. For four years I have dreaded this day. For four years I have shoved it to the back of my mind and pretended it would never come. For four years I carried the faint hope that by this time, Owen and Will might be among the few who are "no longer distinguishable among their neuro-typical peers" and that they would enter the first grade with smiles of excitement. That tonight, the night before their first day, they might be helping me to pack their backpacks, or arguing over what outfit they want to wear, all while chattering about their hopes of finding one true friend that they will play with for the whole school year and maybe even for all their school years to come.

But that is not to be. Another milestone and another dream has faded away. Or at least, it has been postponed.

I am still excited for my boys. I am hopeful that this year will be one filled with new possibilities, with the acquisition of new skills and the forging of new friendships. I hope that they learn to get excited about going every morning, that they find that friend whose face they will look forward to seeing every day.

I pray that my fears are just the product of a typical mom who is over-thinking and paranoid. I worry that at this new school there will be no familiar face that Owen and Will can turn to when they feel anxious or afraid. That they won't understand where they are, or that I will be coming back for them at the end of the day. I worry that Will's language will not be understood by anyone, that when he says "are you okay?" someone will understand that he is trying to tell them that he has hurt himself and needs a mommy kiss to make it all better. I fear that Owen's quiet, sometimes-complacent personality doesn't leave him ignored and left to sit on his own in a corner, or that Will's anxiety-driven OCD doesn't cause his staff to think he's acting defiant. I pray that my boys are treated with compassion, understanding, a willingness to figure them out and a determination to raise them up to meet their optimum potential.

If they could only speak, I would not worry so. They could tell me how things went during their day. They could speak up if they felt they weren't being treated fairly. They could talk through their own fears with me on this night.

If only's won't do any of us any good. But I am grateful to have this place to write it out. So that tomorrow morning when I drop off my boys, I can leave them with a smile, after having left my fears on this keyboard. God knows I have sensitive little boys who pick up on every emotion that floats around them. They don't need my fears to add to their own.

So best of luck to all of the other little kiddos out there who are starting, or returning back to school. But most of all, my prayers are with all moms and dads who will be worrying too.



As a footnote, I discovered that today MamaKat is hosting a Writer's Workshop with the prompt "First Day Of". Today should qualify. Today is the first day of a new chapter. Check on Mama's Losin' Itto see what some other bloggers are up to.

Catchy Slogans & Jingles

They just don't make commercials like they used to.

Do you remember when the jingles or slogans to a commercial were so universally recognized that you could repeat the slogan and everyone would instantly know what you were referring to?

- where's the beef? (Wendy's)
- it's the big chunk of fudge! (Oh! Henry)
- I've fallen and I can't get up! (Medic Alert)
- Mikey likes it! (Life cereal)
- This is your brain on drugs
- it melts in your mouth, not in your hand (M&M's)
- finger lickin' good (Kentucky Fried Chicken)

What is it about these commercials that make me feel so good? If I was rational about it, I would see that it has nothing to do with their awesome direction, writing, acting, etc. I think it's just my nostalgia for a time when I had nothing better to do than watch tv and memorize slogans. There is something to be said for the catchy commercials. They're timeless.

"I'd like to buy the world a Coke..."


"I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid..."


"my bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R..."


And remember the California Raisins?

This assignment was hosted by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop at Mama's Losin' It.

Tuesday's Tribute - Pineridge Nursery School

I know you guys are out there. Parents who have children attending this lovely preschool back in Ontario. I know that Holly is out there. Holly wrote me a beautiful little note that I haven't yet replied to, so I thought I might repay her the favour of linking to my blog, by writing a little something about the place that made such a huge impact on our lives.

Pineridge Nursery School was one of our stepping stones that I believe was a foundation for the twins. At the time, Diane was running things there and I had met her through a class we were taking at church. At the time of the boys' diagnosis, one of the few offers of advice we were given by our developmental pediatrician was to enrol the boys in a preschool so that they could benefit from the exposure to other kids. This absolutely terrified me. Up until this point, not even our family members were entirely comfortable caring for the boys because of their extraordinary quirks/behaviours and needs and I was afraid that a preschool would not be open to the idea of accepting two little boys who wouldn't know how to play by the rules. I think it's a natural fear of a parent to worry if their children are being ignored or mistreated, particulary if their children are non-verbal, as Owen and Will were (and still are). I can't ask them at the end of the day, how it went, if they had fun, what they did, do they like their teachers, who are their friends, etc. To find a preschool that would accept the boys (difficult), that felt safe and where I respected and trusted the teachers, would be a difficult task. But it wasn't.

A good friend from St. Paul's Church helped to coordinate my meeting with Diane at Pineridge. It took only a few days after the diagnosis for this to happen and Jonathan and I were fresh from our shock and devastation at the news. I think about our first meeting with Diane and I remember feeling like a brand new, bald and blind little bird who has fallen out of its nest. Vulnerable and pathetically desperate for someone to help us figure it out. I am so grateful that Diane was the one to meet with me, while in that state. She was a true blessing and I don't say that lightly. Life often puts people into your life for all the right reasons and just the right time. Diane offered us hope. She offered us a shoulder to cry on and she provided me with a plan so that I didn't feel so afraid about the boys' future. It wasn't a matter of just getting a tour of the classroom and a run-down of what they could offer. She was a warm blanket to wrap ourselves up in; it was a comfort and it gave us a sense of peace.

At the time, I didn't realize what it would mean for Diane to take on two little boys with special needs, I was entirely focused on my objectives. In retrospect, I can see that Diane and Pineridge went out on a limb, over and above what they needed to do to help us out. They hired on an extra staff to be sure that they would be able to support the boys and this was done without the assurance that the Region would provide any supplementary funding to help with the extraordinary expense. The women in the classroom were SO wonderful at trying to learn all about the boys and their needs. Their interest and their obvious affection for Owen and Will melted our hearts. The boys had a clear connection with each of the women, Holly, Susan, Joy and Diane and it made the experience so much more than what we had ever anticipated. Now that we are going into the boys' first year in a full-day school program (grade one), we are realizing how rare it is to find a school placement such as what we have experienced thus far.

We have been blessed and my boys are better people for having been so fortunate to go through Pineridge. We will never ever forget them and I am so pleased to continue to have this (web)connection to the school. If there is ever anything I can do for any parents who are going through what we did and your children are attending, please don't hesitate to contact me so that I can offer .. a bit of guidance maybe? Anything. It's all about paying it forward as Pineridge did for us.
Click on the links to take a look back at old blog entries regarding our experience with Pineridge:

Moms Days Tea Times 3

Bye Bye Nursery School

Two for Twos-Day

Today I'm participating in 'Two for Twos-Day' when we post a photo of a favourite twosome. It is currently being hosted by Debi at Who Says 8 Is Enough?

I love this shot of one of my favourite twosomes. It's Will's legs you're seeing, in case you didn't recognize him.

Stepping Off the Cliff - Sunday Citar

Welcome to Sunday Citar! This blog quote meme was created by Tabitha @ FreshMommy. You can stop by her blog to see the quotes and photos that she and everyone else is loving right now.

"If you have reached the end of all the light that you know, and you are about to step into the darkness unknown, Faith can do one of two things...Either you will step onto solid ground or you will be taught to fly." (Unknown)

Belated Friday Fragments

Created by Mrs 4444, Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.

- this is where I clear my head and I'm lucky enough to get here often. The Rocky Mountains, in particular, Bow Lake off the Icefields Parkway is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Breathe deep and take it all in. Just watch out for grizzlies.

- Dad told me today that my sons are the luckiest boys in the world to have Jonathan and I as parents. "If anyone was meant for this challenge in life, it was you guys. Think of the joy they bring you." Is it joyful when your six year old runs into your room buck naked, does a somersault and lets loose some toxic fumes and obnoxious noises when his butt's in the air in front of you?

- What do you say to an 8 year old who has been bullied on the playground? What advice do you give for his response to the kids who called him a really mean name? Because his reaction was to argue with logic why he isn't what they say he is, which only fueled the fire to even cause his best buddy to join in. The best we could come up with is to teach him a bunch of bad words to say back. Now what is Mom to do when all she wants to do is build a cocoon around her son, smother him in hugs and kisses, then go out and hunt those little sh*ts down....?

- We've got a wooden birdhouse that hangs from our back deck. We're in our third summer season with it and have at least 3 bird families that nest and have babies in it every summer. I got to wondering.. should we be cleaning it in the fall? Because there must be a lot of poop in there.

- Last night Jonathan, my dad and I hung out at a place called Ranchman's for the Calgary Stampede. We got there around 4 in the afternoon and the place was already overflowing with people. Captain Morgan made an appearance and handed out rum shooters.

(in Dad's defense-he wasn't drunk *yet* in this pic. he just blinked when the flash went off)

It was my only drink of the night because I was driving, but I have been thinking about it ever since. I am not a big drinker. To call me a social drinker would even be generous, but I am now obsessing about the flavour of that shooter, that I don't have a name for. It went down as smooth as butter and I had assumed there was a new buttered rum flavour on the market. I just came back from the liquor store and alas, there is no such thing. Now I am a woman obsessed. I suspect I'll be making recipes all summer, trying to recapture the memory of that taste. Hopefully I won't be in need of an intervention by September...

- Taylor Swift has been one of Jake's favourite artists since we first saw her open for Brad Paisley a year and a half ago at the Saddledome. She came back out for the Stampede and Jake and I went to see her perform on Wednesday night with Kellie Pickler and a new country band on the scene, Gloriana, opening for her. I expected for it be fun because I knew how much Jacob would enjoy it. I did not expect to be as entertained as I was. It was worth every penny. Who would've thought?

- I have decided that one of my favourite things about living out here is that I wake up to birds singing every morning and a full sun by 5am that doesn't sleep again until after 10:30 at night. The days are full and long and the air is fresh. I live in a beautiful neighbourhood with no threat of development changing any of it at all in the future and I've got the best neighbours we could have asked for.

- This week I am looking forward to seeing Lisa. It's supposed to be a playdate for Jake and Ella & Owen, but really it's an excuse for me to have some grown-up chat with my bestie. How sad is that? My whole life I could do without having a best girlfriend to talk to everyday. I have always had good friends, but could go weeks in between talking or seeing them. Lisa is someone I need to talk to on a daily basis or something's missing. She's my life-saver on a daily basis and really the one person who keeps me sane. Since school let out a couple of weeks ago, I haven't had opportunities to see her and then she and I have had too much going on at home to even fit in our regular chats. So here's to Jake and Ella's playdate! ;)

- Guess who was in town the last few weeks? We have had a full house since mid-June. My mom was out for a visit just in time to see Jake perform in his end of the year dance recital. Then she took him back with her to Toronto for two weeks. The next day my cousin Michelle, her boyfriend, Matt and best friend, Ashley came out for a 10 day visit.

We had a fun time with enough road trips to do a round trip from Toronto to Calgary; to the Badlands (Tyrell Dinosaur Museum in Drumheller), to the Columbia Icefields, to Radium and Golden, BC, through the Foothills from Longview, AB through the Spray Lakes and to Canmore and finally to every nook and cranny in Banff. We visited Banff, Yoho, Jasper and Kootenay National Parks and saw so much wildlife that it made all the driving worth it.

My dad flew Jake back out with him this past Wednesday and we have been enjoying his stay ever since. We also had the pleasure of having Marci in from San Diego and we got to meet her new man, Kyle.



We had a great night hosting a barbecue for them and our only regret was that her visit was too short.

So after Pop leaves tomorrow, we've got the whole summer ahead of us with no more visitors on the agenda so we can get used to being a family of 5 again (plus a Gamma). Here's to a quiet summer!!

Tuesday's Tribute - Auntie Boom

Shhhhhh! Don't tell Steph I'm doing this, but I'm devoting my Tuesday Tribute to my sister. Let's hope she doesn't read this while she's here at my place because she and her big head (read: ego) won't fit in my house. That reminds me of a fantastic scene in So I Married An Axe Murderer with Mike Myers:



Now back to my tribute. Auntie Boom is my sister, Stephanie. My only true sister who earned the nickname of Auntie Boom when Jake was around 18 months old. He couldn't yet talk, but he had the amazing ability of using gestures and sounds to tell a story. So I had left Jake to be babysat by his Aunt Steph and his Grandma. When we were reunited, I asked Jacob if he had had a good time. He proceeded to tell me a story without words, where he described how Steph was carrying him, she fell down, then Jake smacks the floor with his hand and says "BOOM!". Hence the name Auntie Boom. Steph insists she never dropped Jake. That she placed him on his feet before she fell to the floor. Either way, the name stuck and will likely remain until she becomes Auntie Geezer.



My relationship as big sister to Steph spans three decades of me bossing her around and guilting her into everything. I took great pleasure as a kid of pulling her eyelashes to lift her eyes open when she was sleeping so she would awake to my face staring into her open eyes. Or to tie her with a skipping rope to the pole. Or my favourite was when she tried to follow me and my friends- we hopped a fence that was on top of a hill, overlooking the busy highway below. Steph followed after me and when she went to jump off the fence, her jacket caught her and left her dangling. I found this very funny and left her there to suffer. (What can I say. I was just a kid myself). Steph and I have not always enjoyed the same interests, but we have always found a strong connection through our equally sarcastic and annoying sense of humour. When our dad would take us for the weekend, we worked really really hard at ticking him off, so that we could enjoy making fun of him for it afterwards. On our long drives, we would write notes in the back window of the car for traffic to read: "Help us, we've been kidnapped", or we'd sing television commercial jingles at the top of our lungs, over and over and over again until he would snap. We would experiment with magic potions; watching the microwave window to see how long a marshmallow could last until its messy explosion inside. We pierced our own ears (a painful memory we are best to forget), we watched the same movies a million times over and enjoyed the really cheesy shows that everyone else would turn off ie. Mickey Mouse Club, Kids Incorporated, Saved By the Bell, Harriet's Magic Hats, and the list goes on.

Growing up, Mom worked a lot and Steph and I became that much more dependent on the other for company, for support and for care. It's a bond that only strengthened as we became adults. She is the first person I call when I am upset or emotional, when I've had a bad day and need to vent. If we have good news, I want to share it with my sister. If I'm in a funny or awkward social situation, I always look around and wish my sister was there to share the joke. We share a secret understanding when people-watching or when in a circumstance that requires for us to remain cool and respectable, but our instinct is to laugh uncontrollably. I just have to flick my eyes to Steph's for a split second and I know that she can read my mind and we make a mental note to share and laugh about it later when it's safe to.

I am the oldest and always got the praises for being smart or responsible. Steph got away with a lot more and she was the funny and pretty one. We could both say the same sarcastic thing, but the offensive comment would send me to my room, while Steph's delivery would have a parent rolling with laughter. Being the oldest often got me more respect and attention, but Steph has proved herself as an adult. I am really proud of her accomplishments, even if she doesn't recognize them as such. Steph always did her own thing and adamantly insisted that she would not be tied down to a 9 to 5 office job her whole life. She explored her own interests in university and college and didn't stick with something that she hated out of obligation, something I am very jealous of. She worked the jobs she hated, but stuck them out to pay the bills. I always had Jonathan to share the load when it came to paying my way as a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities and payments, but Steph managed to figure it out on her own. She's the younger sister who, when she borrowed money- she actually paid it back! AND she'd lend ME money when I needed it too! Most people find career jobs through friends who help them out or a parent who nudges open the door, but Steph got into the airline industry all on her own. She thinks we are joking when we say that we are proud of her for this job, but we really are. She is doing something she really wanted to do and she has done it all on her own, not to mention that she has used her French that she thought she lost after school.

When each of my boys were born, she was right there, despite her fear and intense dislike and discomfort of hospitals. She was as emotional as I was at their birth and I couldn't imagine her not being there to share it with us. Her love for Jake, Will and Owen is obvious and they feel it too- even from across the country. There is no doubt that they love her as much as she loves them. I am proud that she is such a great aunt to them and I hope that someday there may be a child for her because she's going to make a wonderful mom. Motherhood may not (yet) be something we share, but I know Steph does her best to understand the ride that I am on with my boys. I truly appreciate that she has always tried to be there for me and us with our every challenge.



Steph sometimes comes off as shy, introverted or even rude, but it's likely that she's too embarrassed to say anything. Her ego isn't as large as her Charlie Brown-sized head might suggest, or her pretty looks would make you assume. She's real. She's fun. She is as loyal as they come. She is reliable. Her sense of humour is one of my favourite things about her. She's smart. She's well-rounded. She's passionate. She's a sap (like me). She can't sing- even though our Nanna told her she was very talented- NOT! She shares my love for pop culture and trashy tv. Thank goodness she's become a reader of great books so I get great gifts! She's got style. She has determination. She's got a temper, but she's also got the capacity to forgive and admit when she's wrong (because I never am). I'm told she's finally turning into a cook.



Finally - she is my sister. And I am so grateful for that. My only regret is that we don't live closer and I wish that we could spend more time together in our daily lives.

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child. ~Barbara Alpert

May 11th has just been formally declared My Sister Day. Love you, Auntie Boom!

Tuesday's Tribute brought to you by:

Dear Kid Saturday (Belated) - To Owen

Dearest O-wee,

There are times as your Mommy that my heart breaks because you don't understand me.

Tonight I took off your green rubber frog boots and watched you limp across the floor. You trustingly gave me your foot when I asked you to and I saw that you had a tiny sliver embedded and red, under the skin. One unsuccessful attempt to pluck it out with my tweezers and you cowered from me into the corner of the couch. I thought I would give it a break and you couldn't even look at me. You sat alone, tucked into the corner, lost in your own fear and I watched your bottom lip tremble and the rims of your eyelids burn red. I tried to console and reassure you that I was only try to make you feel better, but I knew you couldn't understand the words I was saying. I tried to look you straight in the eye and stroke your cheek to let you know that you could trust me, but you avoided my eye and shrunk further back into the cushions.

When Daddy tried to help and hold your hands as you writhed and twisted to avoid my re-attempts at getting the sliver, your eyes seemed to blank out and you looked at me with pure fear. It was clear that I was the enemy.

Bedtime was ten minutes later, with the sliver still in your foot and you wouldn't even come close to me to say goodnight.

I hate that you have to struggle with understanding/processing language.
I hate that my love for you isn't enough to make you believe that I would never hurt you.
I hate that autism has made you live inside yourself so that you are often afraid and anxious.
I hate that your voice is trapped inside you.
I hate that your passivity is often mistaken for inability.
I wish for you to someday be able to have a complete understanding of language and that you can express yourself.
I wish for you to believe that Mommy, Daddy, Jacob and I will always be there for you and will do everything in our power to keep you safe.
I wish for you to know love.
I wish that autism becomes only one small, beautiful aspect of your personality, but that it will never define you.

Mommy loves you, Owen.
xoxoxoxoxoxo



This letter was inspired by Dear Kid Saturdays at Cutest Kid Ever. Take a minute to wander over and check out some of the other letters written to children.

Dear Kid Saturdays at Cutest Kid Ever

Sunday's Quotables - Tenacity

Tenacity is one of my favourite words. It's not a word that comes up often in conversation in my life, but it's one that I would use to define my family. We have never rolled over and played dead, even if life makes you want to. I remember an episode of Little People, Big World where the father was using the word to describe his own life and I have so much respect for people who represent this quality. I can't say that tenacity is a word to personally define myself as an individual in every aspect of my life, but I am determined to change that. I have many new goals for myself for this year and I am feeling very capable, confident and tenacious.

One of my new favourite blogs,A Daily Dose of Toni has a fun ritual of posting Favorite Quotes. I have always loved reading quotes and get a lot of inspiration from them. Please check out Quotable Sunday to be inspired yourself! (Thanks to Red Red Whine for the ref to Toni).

Which of these quotes is your favourite?

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity. -Louis Pasteur

Good luck is another name for tenacity of purpose.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Patience and tenacity of purpose are worth more than twice their weight in cleverness.
-T H Huxley

The history of the world is full of men who rose to leadership, by sheer force of self-confidence, bravery and tenacity.
-Mahatma Gandhi

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.
-Amelia Earhart


"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
-Calvin Coolidge

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."
-William Feather

"Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs."
-Malcolm Stevenson Forbes

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

I will never forget

"Lonely rivers flow to the sea,
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me'
I'll be coming home wait for me"
- I will never forget Jonathan's 17 year old voice singing Unchained Melody to me on a cassette (you can laugh- I still do).
My 'don't forget me' mixed tape for our separation while he spent a summer in Switzerland.

I spent a year in the dark.
At least a year in bed, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to talk to anyone.
Wishing I could sleep my life away.
For two years, I crawled in all of my dreams.
I watched everyone run ahead of me, while I dragged my knees through the dirt.
- I will never forget the morning I woke up and realized that in my last dream,
I was running again

They were so ugly that they were the cutest things we had ever seen.
A handful of wriggly wrinkles and slobbery kisses.
Stephanie went home with the sleepy-eyed, Penelope,
Jonathan and I went home with the pug-on-coke, Matilda.
We paid an outrageous amount of money and
15 minutes into the drive home with our new family..
- I will never forget my shock with the realization that little worms were crawling out
of my darling, new, little pug's butt

Remember this?
Jake was five, his brothers were three.
He tried and tried, but he got no love from Owen. He'd try to cuddle. He'd try to hug.
He'd make funny faces. He'd bring them their favourite things. He'd mimic the therapists
and me to try and coax some acknowledgment from O.
One night he found the magic button and the result was a bear hug
from his ordinarily-cold brother.
- I will never forget the look of sheer joy of Jacob's face when he turned his beautiful face to me
and said "Mommy!!! Owen loves me! He really loves me!"

Nellie was a beautiful soul.
She was absolutely selfless and had an innocent heart that opened up to everyone she met.
My nan let me stroke the fine skin on the top of her hands
and she'd use her hands to carefully scrape exactly half a tin of DelMonte fruit cups
for our bed-time snack.
My Nanna loved me and never once made me feel bad about myself.
She made me want to be a better person.
- I will never forget the moment my Nan took her last breath and the feeling that she took a piece of all of us with her when she left.

I peed on a stick. It turned blue.
I was no longer one. Now I was two.
The second time, I felt like there were five.
An ultrasound said there were two.
I felt the tumbles, the rolls, the hiccups, the pokes and the kicks
and I longed for those sensations when all was still.
- I will never forget the mixed emotions I felt when each of my babies were placed in my arms for the first time. Fierce joy and calm. Intense love and fear. Because I already missed knowing it was just me and them. And now I had to share and expose them to the world.

This assignment was hosted by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop at Mama's Losin' It.

Tuesday's Tribute - Electro

Today I am supposed to shine the light on someone else. I talk an awful lot on here about my views, my feelings, my friends and mostly, my boys. But one boy doesn't get enough recognition.

Jonathan. Also known as Dr. Evil or Electro. This is my husband. I have referenced him on the blog many times, but I suspect it has often been in a list of who was attending this or that. Or he was likely the butt of one of my lame jokes. I often make fun of him as we did to each other since we met in the 7th grade. I know that I often downplay his role in our family because it's easy to shelf him into the "off at work" category. If there is an argument between the two of us.. he is to blame. If the kids are cranky, Jonathan probably had something to do with it. If the house is a mess, he probably made it. If I am extraordinarily tired out or stressed, he is to blame because he's not doing enough to help.

When he and I get into those marital discussions about who is doing more or who isn't doing their share in the household and parental responsibilities, Jonathan's defence is usually "you should be grateful because I do more than most husbands do". I personally don't think that's something to necessarily be proud of. Just because you can find examples of guys who don't participate in parenting to the same degree you do, does not mean that you are still doing all that you could or at least your share.

But I acknowledge that I am not showing my appreciation for what he does do.

Jonathan loves our boys. There are many husbands out there who have a hard time living with the diagnosis of autism. I have to say that I really do thank my lucky stars that Jonathan and I have pretty much been on the same page since Day One on what direction we wanted to go in for our kids. I recognize what a blessing this is. It's hard enough without having to defend your every thought, feeling and decision to your spouse.

He cracks me up. In my head, I laugh all the time. I couldn't dare laugh on the outside because then he'd know he really is funny. His sense of humour might be terribly immature- a lot of toilet humour a la Beavis and Butthead and you will probably hear the same lines ("does that come in men's?") a thousand times over- but he can keep a heavy situation light and he can definitely make a boring presentation or class a laugh to sit through. He also knows how to laugh at himself. He even admits to his students that his nickname was Electro because of his time on a primary school breakdancing group. He doesn't hate me for telling the same stories over and over again to everyone I meet about how he found himself of Walter Gretzky's garage, or how he danced so pretty as a cheerleader in high school AND university. He likes to pretend he's mature and serious, but he's not afraid to dress up like David Lee Roth in a pink jumpsuit and wig in front of his junior high students or don the Santa suit for our annual Christmas party. And he does some mean impersonations of the Squire.


He's smart and can kick my ass in geography and history trivia and his insistence that no one can ever beat him in sports trivia borders on the ridiculous. For this- he entertains me. Because we can spend a lot of time making fun of the fact that a sport-clueless girl can come up with an answer that skunked his, or we can laugh at his competitiveness when he loses at bowling.

Okay. So his frustration tolerance level is pretty low at times. But he works his butt off to do right by his kids. He gets up with us every morning to help get the kids ready for school. He lets me sleep in more often than he gets to himself. When we went through our years of sleeplessness, we would take turns at getting up with Will. When we have a poop accident in the house, he's there with the carpet cleaner. When the kids are restless and I need an empty house so that I can do some housework, he single-handedly will haul all three boys off to a park or the pool- something I would NEVER do on my own. When we set up the waterslide in the backyard, he's out there with the kids making a fool of himself as he bellyflops to the bottom. He's the one sweating bullets on a hot day with a boy's hand in each of his and one hanging off his back.

Most of all, Jonathan is still the same guy I loved and hated in the 7th grade. He's still my best friend, even if our thinking does not always follow the same path. When it comes down to it, there's no one else I'd rather be on this journey with.

SOOC - with Will's finger on the trigger

I'm finding this Saturday a little difficult for coming up with fresh thoughts without going into playing catch-up for the week that I slacked from blogging while we had houseguests. So these blog games are the perfect solution.


Slurping Life has a cool idea called Straight Out of Camera, no editing allowed (no worries here since I am NO photographer). I just thought it was a great coincidence that on Easter Sunday, I put the camera in Will's hands to see what he could do (with me behind him).

Lisa -
posing for Will
best picture ever
because she probably never dreamed
that anyone would ever see this

Six Word Saturday

Am supposed to describe my life in six words. Instead, I'll describe my last week in six words.

6 words= Dana, Will, Jonathan, Jake, Owen & Emily

I love that my life last week was so simple. It did not include, work, school or therapy. Nor did it include stress, pressure or deadlines. It did include a lot of fun, new experiences and great successes.

Gotta love Six Word Saturdays and gotta love holidays!

Magic Marker Monday

It's Magic Marker Monday again, hosted by 5 Minutes for Special Needs. Time to share what crafty stuff the kids have been entertaining us with.

The Marketing Material - Take note of the words written below the caption photos. Crack me up. Emily's lovely pose on the left is especially professional looking.

Most every holiday, we celebrate the day joined by a couple of other families. It has become a tradition, albeit a somewhat painful tradition, that Jake puts on a show for everyone. He takes it very seriously. In preparation for Easter, Jake spent at least a week rehearsing in the garage, writing the script and practicing the songs. You would think that after that much effort the play would roll like a fine tuned machine. Let's just say it's the show that never ends and Jake always somehow manages to be the star of the production, with his friends going along for the ride.




Jake isn't our only talented artist of the family. Will and Owen are catching up with their own beautiful Easter pieces made at preschool.



I am not an artist, but I have always found that getting inspired by colours or patterns, using your imagination to create something beautiful or manipulating language to create emotion- i find it all very cathartic. It can be very frustrating when you have a vision in your head of what you would like to create, but your skills are lacking to produce it. It saddens me to wonder if Owen and Will have these same feelings of wanting to produce something beautiful, but not the skills to make it happen. Do they look at the written word and wish that they could put pen to paper and shape those letters? Or do they have stories and ideas that they want to share with the world, but not have the language to express it? Or do the boys have pictures in their minds that could be make them the next Picassos, but they just don't have the strength required for the grasp to hold the paintbrush properly? I believe that Will feels some frustration when he tries so hard over and over again to mimic the dance moves he sees on his videos, or to spell his name. I only hope their determination and perseverance stays with them to keep on trying, because it's worth the reward. I suppose it is our job as parents to continue to lay praise on our children for their every effort so that they remain inspired and motivated to keep at it. I'm proud of their Easter efforts.

Crafty Kids

It's Magic Marker Monday, hosted by Michelle at 5 Minutes for Special Needs. We're going to share some kids' arts and in my family, our three boys are always thrilled to do arts and crafts and show it off to everyone.





Owen's masterpiece was a craft from preschool. Who doesn't love Bunny-Eggs at Easter? I'm especially proud at all of his fine motor effort in tracing the letters of his name.



Will just came home from his new off-site 'typical' preschool, with a craft he just made. Isn't it cute? Not sure if it's a worm or a snake, but it sure is tasty if Will's numerous attempts to eat chunks out of him is any indication. I wonder if it's gluten-free? :S




Jacob's 2nd grade class has a class "pet" (aka stuffed animal) named Olive. I believe she's supposed to be named after Olive the Reindeer.

Each child gets to take Olive and her journal home for a few days. Olive is expected to participate in all of the family's activities and have her photo taken with the child. He has to journal everything they've done together. Jake drew her picture as a memento of their special time together. He very accurately included an outfit that he made for her, after cutting up some socks from the unmatched sock drawer.

I'm thrilled that I've got kids who love crafts as much as I do. I think I'm going to love Magic Marker Mondays.

April 6th Edition of The Simple Woman's Daybook

These writing prompts are available from Simple Woman's Daybook where each Monday we're invited to join in celebrating the beauty of everyday moments around us.

FOR TODAY ... the eve before Monday, April 6th

Outside my window... Night has fallen and I can still see the glow of the snow on the ground, although its edges have shrunk back after a full day of spring sunshine. The shadows of the thirty year old trees rock in the breeze and I wonder where our busy squirrels sleep at night.

I am thinking... I have written more in the last week than I have in months and it feels good. I feel like I'm where I have always wanted to be.

I am thankful for... my husband and the patience and support he has shown me this past week.

From the kitchen... all the ingredients are laid out to make gluten-casein free banana chocolate chip muffins for tomorrow morning. Tonight there is nothing out to eat.. because I'm sticking to my plan and there is no snacking after 7pm.

I am wearing... fuzzy PJ bottoms and an old, overstretched long sleeved t

I am creating... a new vision for myself. I feel like I have made some big life decisions and acted on them in the last several weeks. I'm excited about the future.

I am going... to "stick to the plan"

I am reading... "The Book of Negroes" by Lawrence Hill for my book group and "Healing and Preventing Autism" by Jenny McCarthy & Jerry Kartzinel

I am hoping... that this week is less stressful than the last.

I am hearing... silence. And loving it.

Around the house... piles of clutter on every possible surface that will never shrink. As soon as it is put away, it is soon replaced by more.

One of my favorite things... my bed that waits for me upstairs. It is King-sized with a pillow top mattress with the perfect shade of blue sheets and pillows that are calling to me now.

A few plans for the rest of the week: to get through it without losing my temper. House needs to be cleaned from top to bottom in anticipation of our house guests who arrive on Friday!!! (Dana and Emily).

Here is picture thought I am sharing... my hometown of Bowmanville. Because I'm feeling kinda homesick and I'm wishing I had an icy glass of Hard Apple Cider from Archibald's. A not-unusual feeling at this time of night.

Memorable Moments

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

I had a scare this week. My laptop went kaput over a month ago and I didn't have the money or the courage to call up my computer guy to repaire it. I needed the courage to find out first, whether or not I could afford the repair and second, I needed the courage to face the possibility that I may have lost all of my photographs and videos taken in the past two years. My own stupidity caused me to not bother to backup everything on to my external hard drive. I've learned my lesson. Lucky for me, Johan~ said computer guy~ manage to salvage all of my stored documents, but the bad news is that I just nearly paid a car payment on the cost of the repair for my replaced hard drive.

Having my pictures back gave me the chance to browse through some again and reminisce. I was even more thrilled to find yet another blogging game that would satisfy that need.

This is one of my favourite photographs. It was taken last summer and when I see it, I can't help but remember the beautiful location where it was shot. It was our one and only, first family holiday. We rented a cottage in the Shuswaps, British Columbia. We had waited a long time for Owen and Will to be ready for such a thing. Prior to that vacation, they hadn't slept in any bed but their own. All of our fears ended up being unfounded and the holiday was a success. This particular photo of Jake makes me laugh everytime I see it. Two seconds before the shot, I had just told Jacob that I could see Shirley the Shuswap Monster swimming up behind him. You've never seen a kid doggy paddle so fast. :)

My Thursday Task- Fear & Misconception

I'm not really divulging any deep dark secrets that I haven't already admitted to. I'm on another blogging assignment. I'm supposed to describe a moment when I felt afraid or describe a common misconception about myself. I think that if I describe my moment, it will prove to you all that I'm not what you think I am, so I will fulfill both obligations in this assignment.

I can remember a moment so clearly in my mind's eye. Summer of 2005. I was driving on Durham 57, headed towards Tim Horton's for my daily dose of caffeine. I had just left Owen and Will with my grandmother at the house, I think Jake was out somewhere with my mom. I remember how blue the sky was, no clouds. Everything around me was vividly green. Every reason to feel optimistic and happy. A song came on the radio, I can't even tell you what it was but I remember hearing a really melancholy note and as I pulled up to the red light to come to a stop, I felt my air get thinner in my lungs. Like a vice grip was squeezing my chest tighter and tighter and I started to panic. My breathing came in gulps and my eyes filled with tears. I remember pulling into the parking lot at Timmy's and sitting in my car, wondering how I got there because I could only see black. It's like a dark cloud had just settled over all that was bright blue and green and bright. I'm sure I sobbed for at least 20 minutes. It was as if the boys' diagnosis of autism had just hit me for the first time.

I think all the crying I had done before this day was from the shock of knowing that our lives had taken a dramatic turn in a whole new direction. But this day, I cried for my boys. I think it was the first time that I couldn't control my thoughts. I was in Owen's head. Imagining his future. Imagining that he would never speak. Imagining the loneliness and fear he would feel, never understanding the world around him and feeling afraid because he could not express his own confusing thoughts. I had recently read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time and I just remember the sick emptiness I felt while reading about Christopher's isolation and distance from his own parents. My head was crowded with my fears. How could I learn to accept mothering a child who couldn't love me? At the least, how could I live with feeling that my child didn't want me close to him? While I cried, I grieved for Will. His aggression and fury and his single-minded focus on inappropriate behaviours terrified me. I flashed forward 10, 20 years and remembered all the horror stories I had heard of families who had to make the heart-wrenching decision to split their family apart to separate the aggressive child from the others, in order to protect them. At the time, Will had no interest in me. Owen would let me touch him, but would not let me hold him, but at least we had a connection. Will wouldn't even let me touch him. I was just another person to him. I remember saying to Jonathan, "does he even know I'm his mother? I don't think he loves me."

As a parent, I think we're all fearful. Afraid that we won't know what to do. Afraid that we're not doing right by our child. Afraid that one day our child will swerve on to a path that will lead to a place that you wouldn't wish on anyone, least of all one of your own. Most of all, afraid that our child will someday hate us. But you just learn to bury those fears and get on with it. You don't let yourself dwell on it because it's not productive. But this day those fears consumed me. It was the first time ever that I thought the thoughts out loud "I can't do this. I want out. I can't deal with this much pain." Absolute fear took over. I honestly felt like if I willed it, I could click my brain off to no longer feel the agony. Thank God that my love for my boys was bigger than my fear because I was able to reign it back in. I have never had to talk out loud to myself, but that's what I did. I gave my self a pep talk and talked myself down. I willed myself to take it one step at a time and to believe that my family was not created to be a story of tragedy, but a success story.

I will never forget that day and it haunts me but it also reminds me that my fears may have been honest, but they were rooted in unfair stereotypes. I let my ignorance of autism cloud my understanding that my boys were real people and not their behaviours. They are not autistics. They are children with autism. It does not define their future. It affects their future and it challenges them. But it does not define who they are. I can look back and be grateful because we are in a better place where those fears are no longer as founded. They remain, but I don't let myself dwell on them. Late at night when I can't sleep, they sometimes try to creep back into my consciousness, but I do my best to will them away.

So now you know. Just because I'm a mom of twins with autism, it doesn't mean I'm supermom, or admirable in any way. I'm just being a mom. Fighting the same demons we all have and just doing my best. Hoping I don't disappoint any of my three boys and praying that our hard work and our dreams for all three pay off.

Assignment completed. Now I don't want to think about that ever again.

N.B. This assignment was hosted by Mama Kat's Writers Workshop. Feel free to mosey on over to Mama Kat's for more stories by some awesome bloggers.

Tuesday's Tribute - Spread the Word to End the Word

I am totally about to copy a fellow blogger whose insights I really love. But isn't imitation supposed to be the ultimate sign of respect? It is in this case. (Go check her out: http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com/).

Yesterday there was another blogger challenge:


Yet Another Jay and Deb Production.

We are supposed to blog about and shine some light on anyone but ourselves. It could be about another blogger, a friend or family member we respect or admire, about a business we would like to support, or about a cause we believe in.

Last night I fully intended to write this post about the same thing that Whitterer did, but she beat me to the punch. So now I'll copy her because it succinctly says all that I wanted to say.

Soeren’s courage to say what he believed in front of his entire school was inspired by the love between a brother and sister.



I made this personal pledge to myself many years ago before I knew personally how hateful this word would be to my family. Please spread the word, if not just to be a better person, but for Owen and Will.