Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Waxing Nostalgic

I have come across some pictures of the boys when they were in their first months. I have to admit that sometimes I see photo albums around the house, or cd's that digitally chronicle my boys' short lives in pictures, but I don't want to look at them. Does that sound terrible? Because I feel guilty about it all the time, especially because I consider myself a scrapbooker..

I can look at photos of Jake and reminisce with the purest of thoughts. I can look at each photo and just remember. I can look at expressions on Jake's face and I am able to match the photo to the moment in time, to the stage of development that he was in at the time. It is easy to look at his photos because they are associated with nothing more than simply.. Jake.

It is difficult to admit but quite often, it is painful to see photos of the twins. Ever since we learned that the boys had autism and heard phrases like early intervention, early detection, symptoms, etc., it is impossible for me now to look at photographs without hearing those words. Now, in every photo, I am searching for those signs and symptoms. I am looking for the before and after photographs that might give us a hint to when - if there was a when - to when our boys changed. Did they regress? Were they developing typically then one day it all suddenly changed? Or were there signs from birth? I'll reserve my comments on what I think on that topic, for another post. But I think that it is safe to say that it's a painful experience to go through, just from looking at a photograph. Undeniably, it has to be one of the most disloyal feelings I've ever had. A mom who can't bear to look at her own children's photographs.

But as always, my boys have taught me to be positive. To look forward, not backwards. To find the joy in the moment and to have faith. Someday I will be able to look at the photographs without having one of those conversations.

So let's start today and ooh and aah over how adorable my boys are. Shall we?

Jake and his two new brothers - Owen & Not-Owen
Will (left) & Owen (right) at 3 1/2 months

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