There are times as your Mommy that my heart breaks because you don't understand me.
Tonight I took off your green rubber frog boots and watched you limp across the floor. You trustingly gave me your foot when I asked you to and I saw that you had a tiny sliver embedded and red, under the skin. One unsuccessful attempt to pluck it out with my tweezers and you cowered from me into the corner of the couch. I thought I would give it a break and you couldn't even look at me. You sat alone, tucked into the corner, lost in your own fear and I watched your bottom lip tremble and the rims of your eyelids burn red. I tried to console and reassure you that I was only try to make you feel better, but I knew you couldn't understand the words I was saying. I tried to look you straight in the eye and stroke your cheek to let you know that you could trust me, but you avoided my eye and shrunk further back into the cushions.
When Daddy tried to help and hold your hands as you writhed and twisted to avoid my re-attempts at getting the sliver, your eyes seemed to blank out and you looked at me with pure fear. It was clear that I was the enemy.
Bedtime was ten minutes later, with the sliver still in your foot and you wouldn't even come close to me to say goodnight.
I hate that you have to struggle with understanding/processing language.
I hate that my love for you isn't enough to make you believe that I would never hurt you.
I hate that autism has made you live inside yourself so that you are often afraid and anxious.
I hate that your voice is trapped inside you.
I hate that your passivity is often mistaken for inability.
I wish for you to someday be able to have a complete understanding of language and that you can express yourself.
I wish for you to believe that Mommy, Daddy, Jacob and I will always be there for you and will do everything in our power to keep you safe.
I wish for you to know love.
I wish that autism becomes only one small, beautiful aspect of your personality, but that it will never define you.
Mommy loves you, Owen.
This letter was inspired by Dear Kid Saturdays at Cutest Kid Ever. Take a minute to wander over and check out some of the other letters written to children.