Monday, February 05, 2007

Panic & Rosie

I know I'll get flack for this from some of you. Maybe not outwardly, but you'll probably roll your eyes and whisper something insulting in your head. That's okay.

I like to read Rosie O'Donnell's blog. I don't need to tell you what her reputation is, but I really like her. She takes what gets dished out and she speaks her mind in an environment that doesn't really like to hear what she has to say.

I'm not going to lie. There are days, when being Mom to Owen and Will can be terrifying. I am using a strong word because it is a strong emotion to feel. To admit that I feel that way can also be terrifying. There is a lot of shame and embarrassment in admitting it. But I don't think I'm the only parent who has felt this way when they're up against such a challenge. There are times when the meltdowns/tantrums are sooo bad and so violent that you can't help but be frightened because you can't deny that not only are these boys getting stronger and bigger, but so are the tantrums. My bruises are getting bigger too. So are the headaches.

And it's not only those scary moments that are scary. It's the late at night in the dark times, when you let your mind think negative thoughts. When you let your guard down. Even after spending minutes, hours, days and weeks pushing the negative thoughts aside. Staying positive and optimistic that one day my boys will have the skills that they need to lead independent lives. There is sometimes a window of 5 minutes or so every night where my mind brings me back to that dark place where I feel total, sheer panic. Panic that all this hard work is for naught. Panic that my boys might grow up to hate me for all this 'therapy' that I put them through. Panic that they will feel that I don't love them for who they are because it seems that I want to change them. Panic that I'll never hear them tell me they love me. And my biggest source of panic is that I won't live forever. What will become of them if Jonathan and I aren't here for them??

Rosie's reply to someone who commented on her blog today reminded me that I do have faith. I have faith that we are doing our best and that the best is all you can do. You might not like Rosie, but sometimes you have to admit that she can hit the nail on the head, can't she?

Posted by ro on February 4th at 4:52pm in ask ro
Tina~ writes:

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

faith is the ability to know
u will survive the panic

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