Thursday, November 05, 2009

Lemon Throwing #2

Alicia at Yaya Stuff had a great quote on her blog one day:

"When life gives you lemons, throw them at people."

I had so much fun with this last week that it has inspired me to do it again and write a post about who I would love to throw a lemon at. So get ready to duck.

- My Dell computer is a piece of poo. I would throw lemons at it if I thought it would help, but I would probably only lose the use of more keys. I have had to replace its power cord three times because it bent and threw sparks up at me. I have lost the letters, "o" and "p" and another one that doesn't really matter. My battery died within a couple of months and the whole thing crashed at only a year and a half years old. Instead of throwing lemons at the puter, lets throw some at whoever it was who convinced me to stick with Microsoft -- who is now, I'm sure, sitting on his new and preferred Mac. He gets some apples thrown in with his lemons.

- To the makers of the furnace and all other large appliances that we can't live without. We moved into this house three years ago. Jonathan went out of town that November and coincidentally, Calgary had a two week cold snap of minus 40 temperatures and that is precisely when our 1950's furnace decided to kick the bucket. I was with my three wee ones and we woke up with blue fingernails. I had a wood fireplace that I had no wood for and was afraid to start, because it had a gas log-lighter that had me convinced it would blow the house up if I put wood in there. Three day waiting list to get a heating guy to the house because everyone in the city was also having heating emergencies. It was not a fun time. So when we got the service, we got the bill. $5000 later, we had a new furnace. A new furnace that just broke again three nights ago. This time it was fixable, but all parts that weren't covered by warranty. Naturally. Lotsa lemons for this one.

- To Alberta's Ministry of Health. To the idiots who scared the crap out of everyone, threatening that if parents didn't get their kids vaccinated against the flu and H1N1 they could hold themselves responsible for the future deaths of their children. So that when 300,000 people flocked to the only 4 vaccination clinics in Calgary, the disorganized chaos had people (including high risk, already-sick, elderly and very young) standing outside in the cold with no bathroom facilities for upwards of 8 hours, only to be sent home because it was closing time and guess what? -we've run out of the vaccine. So 5 days later, they've reopened the clinics, but this time it's only for kids 6 months to under 5 years. Tomorrow they'll add pregnant women. After that, they still don't know when they'll have more vaccine for the rest of the population who are now scared shitless.

- Then, to follow up to the above, to the idiot in the Ministry who provided the NHL's Calgary Flames with a private clinic to vaccinate all the players and their families with the shot, while Albertans were left (can I say it again-) scared shitless and now pissed off as well. Bad PR for the Flames, though I don't really blame the players, they were just doing what they were told and most likely not even aware of the situation with the clinics in the city because they were out on the road. But whoever it was within the Flames organization who ASKED for the special treatment - Dumb. Instead of lemons, I think it would be good PR ass-kissing for the Flames to go to the newly opened clinics and hand out lemonade and lemon suckers to all the kids and families waiting in line.

- To professionals who expect phone calls to be replied to ASAP, but whose voicemails are always full. And to those same people who want documents returned to them ASAP, but only by mail. And to those same people who are angry because they've screwed up and choose to blame ME because they don't know how to read a contract. Ya. I'm really mad about this one, but all I can do about it is throw virtual lemons.

- To the makers of band-aids who haven't yet come up with a bandaid that my kid hasn't figured out how to pick off, then bleed all over himself.

- To the makers of BlackBerry who haven't come up with a device that doesn't need to be replaced four times within a one year contract. I have a phone that won't let me make or answer a call unless it's plugged in. I can't type a text or email without it shutting down and if it's on vibrate, it won't stop, but won't let you answer it either. This one can be dunked in lemon juice.

- To my pug, Matilda. Who we all adore. But her snoring is keeping me up at night. And now that she's gone deaf, I can't just yell at her to be quiet. She needs a baby lemon toss. Just a friendly reminder that I need my sleep too and she's already getting 20 hours a day, and I deserve at least 6.

- To the 7th, 8th and 9th graders that my husband teaches: PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN WHEN HE IS TEACHING Y0U! Don't be talking to your friends while he's teaching a lesson, or typing on your cell phone, or sleeping, or being just plain rude. Don't think it's funny to make farting noises or pretend to flick boogers at other students while a class is going on. Don't say, two months after blogging as part of your class, that you don't even understand the point of it or know your class' blog address. Even though I know that your teacher did all these same things in the 7th, 8th and 9th grades (except for the blogging because us geezers didn't even know the idea of the web was thought of yet)... he did all these same things, but when Y0U do them, it makes living with him miserable when he comes home from school. Pretty please? Because it won't be chalk chucked at the top of your heads, but I'll be in there with lemons.

- To the guy that flipped me the bird this morning while my kids were in the car. Y0UR fault. Sometimes I'll admit when I've cut you off because I was daydreaming about the blog I had to write, but this morning, I signalled for a good full two minutes and you sped up just to be an arsehole and I had no choice but to cut you off or I'd miss my turn. It's not nice to show me your knobby-knuckled middle finger whose fingernail looked like it hadn't been trimmed in FAR T00 L0NG!! Maybe they will help you to peel those lemons I'm about to throw at you...


ericsmommy said...

LOL nice one Stacey, but you forgot Airmiles for not letting you have a layover in TO so you can see that precious baby. :)

monica said...

That was fun!!

blueviolet said...

Baby lemons for your dog, that's cute.

Sorry about your computer. I'm starting to hear that a lot of people are having trouble with power cords and laptops. Somebody needs to get a clue!

otin said...

OMG! when you come back after a few days off, you come back with guns a blazin" LOL!

I worry about these phones with the keyboards. How long can that stuff last!?

Menopausal New Mom said...

Okay, I'm really sorry you've had a bad run of luck but your writing style had me laughing so loudly that my husband walked across the room to see what was so funny!

thanks, I'm glad I'm not the only one with a long list of things to be fed up about.

Nice to get it off your chest but you know you will have a new list before you know it!

Viv said...

All that cut and paste has given you an edge...LOVE IT!!!

I don't have a blackberry, but, my phone is the *exact* same way.

kys said...

I love it when you do this!! I may do one later tonight.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Sorry, the snoring dog made me laugh...
Your poor husband! I wouldn't teach junior high school for all the world. Those grades are the worst, and I have known more than one person who's told me they USED to teach junior high, and gave up teaching for good. One woman sells insurance now. lol

Anonymous said...

I think that's probably the best rant I've ever read.

Unknown Mami said...

I bought my husband a Dell laptop a little over a year ago and it is falling apart. I would throw a lemon at it, but it would surely break and we can't afford another one.

prashant said...

Sorry about your computer. I'm starting to hear that a lot of people are having trouble with power cords and laptops. Somebody needs to get a clue! Work From Home

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