"Lonely rivers flow to the sea,
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me'
I'll be coming home wait for me"
- I will never forget Jonathan's 17 year old voice singing Unchained Melody to me on a cassette (you can laugh- I still do).
My 'don't forget me' mixed tape for our separation while he spent a summer in Switzerland.
I spent a year in the dark.
At least a year in bed, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to talk to anyone.
Wishing I could sleep my life away.
For two years, I crawled in all of my dreams.
I watched everyone run ahead of me, while I dragged my knees through the dirt.
- I will never forget the morning I woke up and realized that in my last dream,
I was running again
They were so ugly that they were the cutest things we had ever seen.
A handful of wriggly wrinkles and slobbery kisses.
Stephanie went home with the sleepy-eyed, Penelope,
Jonathan and I went home with the pug-on-coke, Matilda.
We paid an outrageous amount of money and
15 minutes into the drive home with our new family..
- I will never forget my shock with the realization that little worms were crawling out
of my darling, new, little pug's butt
Remember this?
Jake was five, his brothers were three.
He tried and tried, but he got no love from Owen. He'd try to cuddle. He'd try to hug.
He'd make funny faces. He'd bring them their favourite things. He'd mimic the therapists
and me to try and coax some acknowledgment from O.
One night he found the magic button and the result was a bear hug
from his ordinarily-cold brother.
- I will never forget the look of sheer joy of Jacob's face when he turned his beautiful face to me
and said "Mommy!!! Owen loves me! He really loves me!"
Nellie was a beautiful soul.
She was absolutely selfless and had an innocent heart that opened up to everyone she met.
My nan let me stroke the fine skin on the top of her hands
and she'd use her hands to carefully scrape exactly half a tin of DelMonte fruit cups
for our bed-time snack.
My Nanna loved me and never once made me feel bad about myself.
She made me want to be a better person.
- I will never forget the moment my Nan took her last breath and the feeling that she took a piece of all of us with her when she left.
I peed on a stick. It turned blue.
I was no longer one. Now I was two.
The second time, I felt like there were five.
An ultrasound said there were two.
I felt the tumbles, the rolls, the hiccups, the pokes and the kicks
and I longed for those sensations when all was still.
- I will never forget the mixed emotions I felt when each of my babies were placed in my arms for the first time. Fierce joy and calm. Intense love and fear. Because I already missed knowing it was just me and them. And now I had to share and expose them to the world.
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me'
I'll be coming home wait for me"
- I will never forget Jonathan's 17 year old voice singing Unchained Melody to me on a cassette (you can laugh- I still do).
My 'don't forget me' mixed tape for our separation while he spent a summer in Switzerland.
I spent a year in the dark.
At least a year in bed, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to talk to anyone.
Wishing I could sleep my life away.
For two years, I crawled in all of my dreams.
I watched everyone run ahead of me, while I dragged my knees through the dirt.
- I will never forget the morning I woke up and realized that in my last dream,
I was running again
They were so ugly that they were the cutest things we had ever seen.
A handful of wriggly wrinkles and slobbery kisses.
Stephanie went home with the sleepy-eyed, Penelope,
Jonathan and I went home with the pug-on-coke, Matilda.
We paid an outrageous amount of money and
15 minutes into the drive home with our new family..
- I will never forget my shock with the realization that little worms were crawling out
of my darling, new, little pug's butt
Remember this?
Jake was five, his brothers were three.
He tried and tried, but he got no love from Owen. He'd try to cuddle. He'd try to hug.
He'd make funny faces. He'd bring them their favourite things. He'd mimic the therapists
and me to try and coax some acknowledgment from O.
One night he found the magic button and the result was a bear hug
from his ordinarily-cold brother.
- I will never forget the look of sheer joy of Jacob's face when he turned his beautiful face to me
and said "Mommy!!! Owen loves me! He really loves me!"
Nellie was a beautiful soul.
She was absolutely selfless and had an innocent heart that opened up to everyone she met.
My nan let me stroke the fine skin on the top of her hands
and she'd use her hands to carefully scrape exactly half a tin of DelMonte fruit cups
for our bed-time snack.
My Nanna loved me and never once made me feel bad about myself.
She made me want to be a better person.
- I will never forget the moment my Nan took her last breath and the feeling that she took a piece of all of us with her when she left.
I peed on a stick. It turned blue.
I was no longer one. Now I was two.
The second time, I felt like there were five.
An ultrasound said there were two.
I felt the tumbles, the rolls, the hiccups, the pokes and the kicks
and I longed for those sensations when all was still.
- I will never forget the mixed emotions I felt when each of my babies were placed in my arms for the first time. Fierce joy and calm. Intense love and fear. Because I already missed knowing it was just me and them. And now I had to share and expose them to the world.
12 comments:
That is awesome! Well done.
Beautiful post!
And why were you looking at the dog's butt after only 15 minutes?
Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a comment. So strange - everything happens for a reason. I am thankful you commented and I followed and I found your blog. My best friend and coauthor of my blog (she was my Tuesday Tribute) son(my godson) was just tested this week and falls somewhere on the spectrum but they have to do more testing. I am always looking for blogs where she can go for support so thank you for commenting and I loved your post as well. We will be visiting again soon.
great post. a good mix of funny, sad and beautiful
You write so beautifully. What amazing memories. How old is the pug now? My son wants a puppy but I don't know if I am ready for everything that comes with a puppy...
Excellent post! You have a wonderful way with words.
Awww! A fun and heart wrenching and humorous and loving trip down memory lane. Good job!
WOW! You are such a talented writer! I was pulled in with every emotion that you described. Beatifully written!
WOW! This was an amazing post.
well done! the best i could come up with on this one was rewriting my senior year yearbook caption.
Very beautiful!!
Stopping by from Jo's post...
Such a powerful post...and poignant too. Beautifully written!
Post a Comment